A new acquaintance of mine put it bluntly - do I treat my two children differently? Do I instinctively approach them differently because one is older and the other is younger or because of their personality differences?
My first reaction was defensive since, to my ear, this question seemed to imply an assumption that no siblings are treated equally, and one may be treated favorably over the other(s).
The fact that I have two young boys with less than a three year age gap means for me that I actually can relate to them quite similarly, especially as the younger son is now a toddler and no longer requires special infant attention.
No way would I ever want to treat them differently! At the same time it doesn't mean I treat them identically but I definitely strive for an equal relationship.
What do you think about this "usual question"?
My first reaction was defensive since, to my ear, this question seemed to imply an assumption that no siblings are treated equally, and one may be treated favorably over the other(s).
The fact that I have two young boys with less than a three year age gap means for me that I actually can relate to them quite similarly, especially as the younger son is now a toddler and no longer requires special infant attention.
No way would I ever want to treat them differently! At the same time it doesn't mean I treat them identically but I definitely strive for an equal relationship.
What do you think about this "usual question"?
I treat my three children very differently. I spend different amounts of time with each (most with the youngest, least with the eldest), I talk to each of them differently, and I even cuddle with each differently. Why? Because they are three characters, with different needs and preferences, and I have a different relationship with each. I'm for example strictest with my eldest, because she is awfully stubborn, and to get things done, we battle more. I cuddle most with my middle daughter, because she is not a very verbal person, and we connect well through hugs, showing each other we care, also without words. I give most attention to my youngest, because he's the smallest, and also isn't often part of the big girls' reading, drawing or friends games. Are my feelings balanced? No - they change, with time and needs. Do I favour one child over the others? Possibly the youngest, because he is still a third wheel, and I try to compensate for the lack of "partner". Surprising answe, perhaps, but with child three, the constellation is hugely different, I find. It's simply not possible to juggle in the same way as it was with two, and the family dynamics are hugely different. But even with two, the characters of our elder daughters are so different, it would be impossible to treat them in the same way, without having to go to unnatural reactions and actions, in my view.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your response! You gave valuable insight into how different children can be, whether it's due to gender or age differences. Yes, I agree we need to fine-tune parenting to best suit each child.
ReplyDeleteHowever what I was concerned about was this idea of unequal treatment and favoring one child over the other. I would strongly argue that such parenting is fundamentally flawed and hurtful to the child. Looking back to my own childhood, I feel my parents did treat both my younger brother and I equally and we both grew up with a sense of self-worth and value. However, my dad was really keen on boys' toys and games as I suppose it was what he could relate to having grown up with three brothers. Maybe he didn't know what to do when together with me. The fact that my brother and dad spent a lot of time boy-bonding left me feeling left out. On the upside it also encouraged me to join in now and then! I was naturally very "girly" in a stereotypical pink- and doll-loving way but I did find an adventurous side from the tomboyish games I was 'pulled' into.
I've read some articles about sibling treatment and I do observe a lot of that around me as well as within my own little family. I am sometimes too strict with my older son and expect things of him that may not be age-appropriate yet. And my younger son, now already 2 years and 4 months, is such a cuddly baby in my eyes! Typical... youngest is the baby, forever! ;) Anyway, I recognize these behaviors and try to break free of them. I try to give my 5 year old extra kisses, hugs, and snuggles. And I try to pamper my younger one just a tiny bit less - not holding back but just making sure both boys are pampered equally.
What do you think about these comments?
I think "equal upbringing" is really difficult to define in practice, and can result in a lot of uncertainty for parents. As you've mentioned, gender and age can result in different treatment, but also changing circumstances. One of the best examples I have heard is of an English family, who could only afford to send one child of three to a good school. Instead of providing equal opportunities to all three children, they sent one child through education. The child was incredibly grateful, and has been successful in his career - giving back so much to society through what he does, and trying to provide more opportunities to other children. Should the parents have treated all three in the same way? Should they do this in developing countries or other resource-strapped families, where the government cannot support everyone? It's a tough choice to make, but I think it's one for parents to make.
ReplyDeleteAs you can tell, I'm not a fan of aiming for "equality". I'm more a believer in supporting each child in their strengths, and ensuring they keep an open mind. If my son loves builder toys, and the girls ponies, so be it. If it's the other way around, so be it. I try to support them in exploring, and not restricting them in the paths they want to take, the phases they want to go through. And I try to teach each child that, with increasing age comes increasing responsibility - and rights to independence.
But, at the end of the day, I don't think there are any "rules" how to manage upbringing. I believe that what feels natural will usually be right. The parents I fear most are those who sit and read dozens of books, and decide that they'll force their children to be gender neutral, or to be little soldiers who obey every command.
I believe we can provide examples through our own lives, and try to mold our children to be good people - behaving in a good way toward others, and opening their eyes to see that their actions have effects on other people and society. But we cannot make them "the same" by treating them "the same". Even providing equal opportunities (such as funding university education) will result in different results (adults with very different careers and incomes).
Should only one child receive support or love? Of course not. These are extreme cases where I think parents (and perhaps families) need therapies to support that everyone can fulfill their basic needs. Can we force parents to love and treat each child the same way? No.
Great points! I nearly completely agree ;)
ReplyDelete