Sunday, March 2, 2014
How much should a woman be a mother?
Should women with children primarily be mothers? How would you quantify (is possible) your own role as a person, woman, wife, friend, and mother (please choose your set of identities and way of quantifying freely)? Is there an ideal, objective balance, and are there minimum times that one should spend on these specific roles, in your view - in particular on parenting? Please also explain how you think this changes as children grow up, and whether you are planning your own role also for the future, when your children are fairly independent - or whether you just take things a day at a time? (Lots of questions! Feel free to pick and choose and focus on what suits your situation and message.)
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This is a good question with no easy answer. Actually I do have a simple answer in mind but it's completely personal, mine and mine only. My answer is that every woman that has become a mother needs to be a mother 100%. There's no way around it. Having a child is life-changing. The responsibility is 24/7, no matter how much your partner participates, how often grandparents help out, no matter how wonderful and complex your babysitting arrangements are. Parenting is with you all the time. The responsibility is yours. And the rewards are yours too!
ReplyDeleteTo quantify this in my own life, I'm 100% a mother (this duty is never off) and 95% a wife. My husband can cope on his own for 5% of my time as our children's needs are a priority. When the kids are small they simply can't cope on their own.
I'm 75% a working professional (easiest to state since I'm working on a 75% contract! Work takes up a fourth of my time during the week but even at work, if there's a "situation" or emergency at home of course I take the call - so even during this work time motherhood surpasses the professional role from time to time.
I hope to be a 100% type of friend but in reality as a mom and wife family does come first. If there's a situation at home, answering a friend's call or e-mail will have to wait a bit.
A woman, 100%. All of the above fit into being a woman. A compilation of variable roles.
Is there an ideal balance? Well, it depends on the person and the moment of time. To some degree the balance changes everyday, without the scale being out of balance. During the weekends I'm a mom, wife, and friend, but not a working professional. Some days, e.g. with one of the kids being ill, my working self will have to be flexible and give priority to my role as a mom.
I do think all this changes over time too. After kids become more independent you do need to have another role for yourself as well. As much as I treasured being a stay-at-home mom, I do feel more balanced and energetic as a part-time professional. For me it works best that I have some, now 6, hours a day where I get to do "my thing" i.e. work on what I love to do and get money for doing so. And the rest of the time is mommy time when I my mind doesn't (ideally) run off in all directions but focuses on the best of all, the kiddos.
How about you? What do you think about this?
I loved - and was not at all surprised - by your response, as this is how I have perceived you. Not only as a 100% mother - which is incredibly inspiring, as it isn't something that comes naturally for me to "lean into", but also as a 900% or more person. In other words, the energy and courage to be all the things you want to be, and not to have to cut back, or see things as zero-sum or black and white (the way I often see things).
ReplyDeleteFor example, in my world, motherhood and professional life eat into each other. Or motherhood and "my time". I see the 100% as a total, of all facets of my life, and it is definitely 800% too little to fill in what I hope for. This results in feelings of guilt, or a notion of failure professionally or personally, because there's never that feeling of having been "enough", i.e. that 100% in any area. Or even 95%, or 80%. If you'd ask me, I'd respond with percentages in the 20s, even single digits. And for "mothering", I'd respond that in practice I currently feel like I do too much, but feel overwhelmed due to a lack of (mainly professional) balance and am not doing even 10%, 15% of what I should, as a loving, caring mother?
Perhaps what your post shows - and I learn so much from you every day, which is another reason I value this friendship of ours - is that it's possible to be everything, and to be proud of being everything. In parts it's probably about being able to value quality, not just quantity - or as you phrased it "responsibility", which is always there. Perhaps it's about seeing the "big picture", and not the "lego time eats into my newspaper time" nitty-gritty?
Thank you for your own reflections on this topic! It's very interesting to hear back on these topics. Actually we could - and if given the time, place, and coffee - we certainly would discuss these issues for hours on end! Non-stop! ;)
ReplyDeleteTo reassure you, I think we're writing about this topic from a different vantage point or scale. I agree with everything you wrote and at times I fully share those feelings of being limited or failing in one, many, or even nearly all of life's spheres. For instance when I've been a stay-at-home mom I've given 100% of my time to my sons but on many days I feel the quality of what I've given is in the single digits. There's been excessive snapping, close calls with toddler accidents, nearly-burnt lunch, and sour moods. I do feel that I cope better with these daily imperfections if I have something else - work! - on my mind as well. Puts things into perspective. At the same time if I'd be career-driven I'd also be career-stressing. Now I don't feel too pressured by work since I work a shortened week and what I manage to accomplish in 30 hours of work per week will simply have to suffice. I have other, better things to do - being a mom! It's a good balance for me.
I am definitely not heroic... You'd be amazed and shocked how little I manage to do some days! ;) I'm really good at procrastinating, though! I do tend to push things off with thoughts that if it doesn't -have- to be done today, it can wait until tomorrow.
Maybe a recipe for my personal state of life satisfaction is not setting the bar too high each day. I have general as well as specific goals set more on the weekly scale, rather than the daily scale. So, for instance, I'll decide on the day if we'll go out to a playgroup or park with the kids - weather, moods, health, energy levels considered. It's okay if it doesn't work out. I'll just make sure we do enough within that same week. Maybe I do the same with work. I know that I can have extremely effective days but often those inspired days come at a cost - I'll be so exhausted the next day. Having a shortened work week helps with that - at the office I'll be effective and inspired for 6 hours max. I used to work late into the evenings, finding my best creative moments late at night. Now I can't afford to do that since my kids will need me first thing way too early in the morning. So it's a balance. A continuous trial-and-error attempt at balance. And you are right, I do try to focus on the big picture. I do believe what the older generations say about kids growing up so fast. I would hate to miss out on that. So, for me, that puts the rest of life into perspective.