Since we both live abroad we've had to rely on our on resources without the full safety net of friends and family around us. Did you read a lot of parenting guides when expecting your first child? Did you keep reading them later on? Did you find any good ones?
That's a timely question, because I was just yesterday thinking about whether the generation of 30s is the generation of guide books. We are trying to figure out not only how to become the people we dreamed of being, but also the parents we would like to be, to children we would like to mold, in careers that we would like to control. Until becoming a mother, I avoided guide books like the plague - I had this wonderful 20s "I will do my thing, in my way"-philosophy. Until, as a mother, I for the first time really realized that I'm not the one in control, but just one player. I realized that I had to understand the context, and my "partners" better, in this case my child. I only read two books, and these in the first four months of having an infant, because my infant did not sleep, and breastfed 24/7, and I was just overwhelmed. I haven't read parenting books since, but have, funnily enough, recently started reading "career for women" books, as this is another area where I don't feel like I am competent or in sufficient control. Just as with the latter, though, parenting books have one problem: there are just many pieces of advice as there are books. There are so many different philosophies. When my first child was born, my parents gave me a book they read when I was small - by my pediatrician in Vienna in the late 1970s. It's still incredibly progressive, and along the lines of another book my husband bought when our daughter was born, by a Swiss pediatrician (Remo Largo). They both share the view that every child is different, and parenting is a bit of muddling through, using your common sense and gut feeling. This was also the only piece of advice I ever received from my parents, and with more children, I believe in it more and more. Rigid rules rarely work, nor are they compatible with different children and characters, situations and needs. And I find it incredibly healthy not to think about "how to be a parent" too much. I see so many parents (in particular mothers) analyze and think about every detail of their motherhood and their child's childhood, and it's not healthy, in my view. Reading dozens of parenting books falls into this category. Rather, I'd suggest that parents open their eyes, try to look at their children and listen to their own feelings, and also look around, and watch what other parents do for guidance. Or teachers. We learned some of our most valuable parenting lessons from our first kindergarden teacher, who rocked five babies to sleep in her arms and two with her legs pushing buggies around. She just adapted to whatever the situation needed, and was a loving, caring inspiration of how to parent with feeling, not that much analysis. When we were desperate about lack of sleep, or strange phases, the best support we got was "they all grow up at the end of the day". In other words, it's not rocket science, and it doesn't need to be. Rather enjoy it, see difficult phases as temporary challenges, as ways to focus on yourself and your child and your relationship, and enjoy every good moment as much as you can - because time flies by so quickly!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your wise words!
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