Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Equality - among Parents
Just as tricky of a question as the previous one you posed (equality among children) is that of equality among parents. How do you think parenting tasks should be divided between parents? Is the woman the primary caretaker and manager of the household? What kind of role model do you and your husband try to be for your sons? Do you think you would try to be a different role model if you had a daughter?
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Again a good question. Maybe I would indeed approach this equality differently if I did have a daughter. How do you feel about it? Do you feel a heavier responsibility because you have two daughters?
ReplyDeleteI do feel I have to set a good, strong and loving, foundation for my sons because they are boys. Who else will teach them how to treat women if not their... mother, ultimately! Of course their father has a huge role to play here but so do I. If I don't respect myself it doesn't matter how loving and respectful an approach my husband has. I do feel it's important to show the different dimensions of womanhood to my sons. Sometimes I enjoy being girly and getting dressed to go out and the boys clearly enjoy watching that as well. Actually they love to play hair salon / make-up artist but that role play I am too girly to allow just before I head out! ;) Make-up remover is key in this activity... Anyway, for balance it's important to show that I too enjoy playing soccer and doing rough and tumble sort of outside activities which are more stereotypically male activities. Sometimes I'm keener on kicking the ball than they are! I do feel that equally has to go both ways - allowing for variable and even complex dimensions to our personalities.
As for the division of roles between parents, ours is actually pretty conformist and traditional, I have to admit. Usually I'm the one who cleans up the house and cooks. I'm the one to point out diapers need to be changed. And my husband is the one who brings in the bigger payroll. And he does the handyman stuff. That isn't to say he can't cook or clean, that I can't change a light bulb or fix a (really) basic appliance. But we have, for now, a philosophy of "whoever get's it done, get's it done." But you're right, we should change it up a bit, not necessarily for us parents since this seems to be the way we argue the least (meeting each other's standards of house maintenance) but because the boys need to see equality in the division of these mundane tasks.
So how do you do it? How do you ensure equality?
I agree that being a role model is the most important way of showing gender equality to kids. I'm still uncertain whether BOTH parents need to show this equality, i.e. can a mother be both girly and tomboyish, but the father is merely an alpha male? My gut instinct tells me "no", but I guess it's a better constellation than plain girly and plain macho. In my ideal theoretical world, there would be a constant flow, with both roles switching and being fluid to suit circumstances. But on the other hand, I think parents need to stay true to their own personalities, and simply trying to become "a gender neutral parent" just for the sake of parenting would somehow be fake. We need to be who we are as people, hopefully trying to be good people and true to our own selves, and being a parent should come secondary, in my view.
ReplyDeleteBefore we had kids, it was very important for me not to divide tasks. I forced my husband to learn how to cook (he's now brilliant, I'm a catastrophe), and thankfully, his mom taught him how to clean (he cleans much more thoroughly than I do). In those days, I did my own taxes, paid half or more than half of the bills (because I earned more), and felt very proud of our "gender balance". With kids, the world changed. I started spending long stretches of time at home (with infants), and as my husband would work full time, many household tasks were left to me. I earned much less during these periods, and my husband started paying most bills. I lost the overview of our expenses and balances, and he started doing our taxes (which literally take two weeks to do in Germany, because the bureaucracy is horrendous, and terminology a challenge even for a native speaker, because it's all legal lingo). I started finding things like shopping birthday presents and sending cards to all children of friends and family members important, and we've drifted into a more traditional role division - sadly, I find. My husband still tidies up and shops, and cooks, but as he commutes during the week, much of that is left to me by default. What he does do much more than I do is play with the kids. He's THE dad at the playgrounds and touring around town with his baggage of three. In Germany, at least, traditionally on the weekends you'll see moms with their kids, because dads have to "rest" from their workweek - playing golf, or tennis, or what-not. In our family, on a weekend dad takes the kids and mom sips cappuccinos and chats with friends!
I am still proud to be the "handyman" at home, as my husband cannot fix anything for the life of him. I build furniture, hammer nails, saw wood, switch lightbulbs. But can't drive a car, even though I have a license (I honestly find it nice to be chauffeured around if need be!).
A friend of mine today told me the best story I'd heard in a long time about "gender". Somewhere in the US, a school boy had been bullied for wanting to wear a skirt (something my own son aged 3 loves doing). What happened in response was that his DAD started wearing skirts. Now that is a role model, if I've ever heard of one.